Freak Number 24 – Mr Brickie and the Monotone Dude

Okay I am going to combine two freaks into one story…its only fair as they have similarities in some of their mannerisms.  Both are as exciting as watching grass grow and equally riveting.  Now as previously mentioned, I am a chatterbox – I like a good chat – put me under water with rocks in my mouth and guarantee I will still be talking.

The first one goes back to when I worked in a pub in the UK.  He was a regular and he kept in coming and asking me out. Every time, I would make up some excuse as I really was not interested but had to keep him coming in to spend all his money.  What a good barmaid I was!  However, he must have gotten me on a good day as I finally said yes for some unknown reason.  Even as the Yes came out of my mouth, I was kicking myself, thinking, shit what the hell did I get myself into? And wondering how can I get a bad dose of the flu that would last for a week or possibly could I witness a mafia hit and have to go into witness protection tomorrow.  Alas – I was not that lucky.

The day of the date came along and short of going to the nearest hospital and licking a patient (believe me it was tempting) to get some bug, I got ready and then waited and waited.  Yes, waited – the time that he had said that he was going to be there, rolled on by.  Now I was quite happy to be stood up – it would have been the first and only time, alas he turned up about 10 mins late.  Shit!  Still I thought, he may be different from what he is like in the pub, and you never know – give him a chance.

So we started on the date – walking to another nearby pub and sat down with our drinks and started the chatting.  Now I knew he worked in some sort of demolition company, but I did not know what he actually did.  What came out of my mouth – I would never know – yes I asked what he did there.  For the next hour (it was the longest hour of my life), I found out about the joys of cleaning bricks.  Yes, you read that right.  It’s a specialised skill because if you chip it, you cannot resell it and did you know that there was different types of bricks and each had a purpose to them all.  I know… I have the glazed look on my face even just writing about it.  Talk about romance – I mean after that riveting conversation, how could I not just rip off my clothes and jump on him in the middle of the pub.  Needless to say, I had to get back early as I did not have a key to get back into the pub that I was living in and would have had to wake someone up.  (oh what was this in my pocket – oh the pub front door key – oops I must have forgotten!)

The second one was when I first started internet dating and I did not realise that you can say no to dates if asked.  Apparently they had a delete button – I know it took a while to work that out.  Anyway this guy was an ex-army dude – so I thought he might have some interesting stories of what he has seen and experienced.  Hmm, how wrong I was.

We met at a coffee shop and started chatting.  I was asking questions about what he likes to do, his dreams and aspirations etc, trying to get some sort of conversation flowing.  Nope… it was like pulling teeth – I mean how hard is it to have a normal conversation.  So I thought I would ask about his time in the army and where has he been etc.  Wow – hold me back Mr Monotone (yes he spoke in monotones!) – too much excitement there.  Apparently he was stationed in Timor. I would have thought he would have seen some interesting things and experienced some culture over there.  No, apparently the only thing that he went on about was how dirty it was on the streets.  Now the smart arse in me is trying to resist with the response of “Well I am pretty sure that they have more things to worry about like not getting shot at than cleaning up the streets, are they supposed to duck for cover while they sweep the streets for you?”  Shit, my tongue had bite marks on it.

Okay let’s move onto another topic then, what are your dreams?  I thought I would start the ball rolling by saying that I would like to travel around the countryside in an old bus that has been converted into a motor home.  Now most people would start to talk about either their dreams or possibly where they have travelled.  Alas, Mr Monotone had no ambitions, and in fact the only thing that he offered to the conversation that he was in a lottery syndicate and spent the next five minutes talking about this freaking syndicate.

Hmmm NEXT on both counts!