Freak Number 29 – Cross Dresser Dude

Given the type of freaks that I come across, it is inevitable  that one would get a dude that is into wearing women’s clothes.  Yes, I have come across a few.

Now I find this absolutely funny – not from the stance of “OMG he is a freak for wearing women’s clothes” deal but the fact that they are coming to me for advice for how to wear make up and what dress suits my figure.  I am the most unladylike type of person when it comes to those sorts of things – I rarely wear make up; I cannot be bothered using a straightener – I don’t even use a hair dryer – wash and go and as for wearing a dress – its a long dress and only worn on the weekends or if I am going out to a social event.

There are low maintenance girls, and then there is me – the lowest maintenance as possible.  I barely can function in the morning when I get out of bed and haven’t had my coffee yet to even comprehend the fact that I need to put layers of shit on my face to cover up my wrinkles or possibly that today is the day that I would like to bring out my inner clown.  This may be the reason why I am single!

Anyway enough about me – but back onto the one thing that keeps you entertained – the freaks.  I started chatting to a dude online (where else!) and started to think that “wow he is not too bad”.  After a couple of chats, he decides to come clean – yes when a guy starts that he wants to be honest with you – this is when you should really start to click on the delete button.  He tells me a doozey of a tale – yes he likes to wear women’s clothes and that his wife is not aware of this personal trait of his.  Yes back the fuck up… not only has he lead me down this path of his inner freakiness, but the fact that he is married to boot as well.  Great!

So I ranted – “how fucking dare you lie to me about being single without a fucking care about my feelings etc.  What do you want from me?”  Apparently he wanted someone to help him with make up lessons and how to become a woman.  Right, I will just get out my fucking tea set shall I while we play fucking dress up!  Tosser!

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that if you cannot talk to your spouse about your inner freakiness, then perhaps you are not with the right person to begin with.  After all, Cosmo and Cleo preach on about the importance of communication in a relationship, how fucking hard is it to open your mouth and say “Honey you know that new blue dress you brought, I think it will bring out the blue in my eyes – here let’s play catwalk models together while we braid each others’ hair!”

Strike that one off the list of potentials and I will go back to burping, scratching my ass and wearing my trakkie daks!

NEXT!

*Note: I do shower on a daily basis (twice a day) and make an effort to be presentable – just don’t take 12 hours to do so.

Freak Number 25 – Sperm Donor

Hmm the Sperm Donor.. I came across this little gem when I was surfing the mountain of unattached freak wannabes on an online dating site.  Again, I did not meet this one but was intrigued by what he mentioned in his dating profile.  No, he didn’t have the usual, “I am into camping, fishing and scraping knuckles along the ground and looking for a girl who has a boat and a V8.”  Nope, he was a charitable person who offered his sperm to those who may want to have a baby.  His words – “I am offering my service to impregnate women who want to fulfill their dreams of becoming a mother as I believe that it is the best thing that a woman can do”.

 Now I know what you are thinking – what a lovely guy, so caring for those who may not be able to produce a kid and he is offering his lucky swimmers.  I must not be as charitable as all I could think is “Hazmat suit stat!”

Apparently he has helped 12 women fulfill their dreams of becoming a mother – again I am thinking, “wow you must be broke with the amount of child support payments that you have to pay”!  Oh the cynic in me.

Now I am thinking, does he just put his deposit in a turkey baster and hand it over or is it that he can only do it the old fashioned way and therefore a freaking cheap way of getting laid without the responsibility?  Who falls for this shit?

Does he come with a medical certificate showing his genetic breakdown and disease free status? Why wouldn’t you just give a donation to the sperm bank if you were that charitable?

Be wary of this one as he can be a lasting impression on your life. NEXT!!!

Freak Number 24 – Mr Brickie and the Monotone Dude

Okay I am going to combine two freaks into one story…its only fair as they have similarities in some of their mannerisms.  Both are as exciting as watching grass grow and equally riveting.  Now as previously mentioned, I am a chatterbox – I like a good chat – put me under water with rocks in my mouth and guarantee I will still be talking.

The first one goes back to when I worked in a pub in the UK.  He was a regular and he kept in coming and asking me out. Every time, I would make up some excuse as I really was not interested but had to keep him coming in to spend all his money.  What a good barmaid I was!  However, he must have gotten me on a good day as I finally said yes for some unknown reason.  Even as the Yes came out of my mouth, I was kicking myself, thinking, shit what the hell did I get myself into? And wondering how can I get a bad dose of the flu that would last for a week or possibly could I witness a mafia hit and have to go into witness protection tomorrow.  Alas – I was not that lucky.

The day of the date came along and short of going to the nearest hospital and licking a patient (believe me it was tempting) to get some bug, I got ready and then waited and waited.  Yes, waited – the time that he had said that he was going to be there, rolled on by.  Now I was quite happy to be stood up – it would have been the first and only time, alas he turned up about 10 mins late.  Shit!  Still I thought, he may be different from what he is like in the pub, and you never know – give him a chance.

So we started on the date – walking to another nearby pub and sat down with our drinks and started the chatting.  Now I knew he worked in some sort of demolition company, but I did not know what he actually did.  What came out of my mouth – I would never know – yes I asked what he did there.  For the next hour (it was the longest hour of my life), I found out about the joys of cleaning bricks.  Yes, you read that right.  It’s a specialised skill because if you chip it, you cannot resell it and did you know that there was different types of bricks and each had a purpose to them all.  I know… I have the glazed look on my face even just writing about it.  Talk about romance – I mean after that riveting conversation, how could I not just rip off my clothes and jump on him in the middle of the pub.  Needless to say, I had to get back early as I did not have a key to get back into the pub that I was living in and would have had to wake someone up.  (oh what was this in my pocket – oh the pub front door key – oops I must have forgotten!)

The second one was when I first started internet dating and I did not realise that you can say no to dates if asked.  Apparently they had a delete button – I know it took a while to work that out.  Anyway this guy was an ex-army dude – so I thought he might have some interesting stories of what he has seen and experienced.  Hmm, how wrong I was.

We met at a coffee shop and started chatting.  I was asking questions about what he likes to do, his dreams and aspirations etc, trying to get some sort of conversation flowing.  Nope… it was like pulling teeth – I mean how hard is it to have a normal conversation.  So I thought I would ask about his time in the army and where has he been etc.  Wow – hold me back Mr Monotone (yes he spoke in monotones!) – too much excitement there.  Apparently he was stationed in Timor. I would have thought he would have seen some interesting things and experienced some culture over there.  No, apparently the only thing that he went on about was how dirty it was on the streets.  Now the smart arse in me is trying to resist with the response of “Well I am pretty sure that they have more things to worry about like not getting shot at than cleaning up the streets, are they supposed to duck for cover while they sweep the streets for you?”  Shit, my tongue had bite marks on it.

Okay let’s move onto another topic then, what are your dreams?  I thought I would start the ball rolling by saying that I would like to travel around the countryside in an old bus that has been converted into a motor home.  Now most people would start to talk about either their dreams or possibly where they have travelled.  Alas, Mr Monotone had no ambitions, and in fact the only thing that he offered to the conversation that he was in a lottery syndicate and spent the next five minutes talking about this freaking syndicate.

Hmmm NEXT on both counts!

Freak Number 23 – Agony Aunt

Now I know that women are supposed to be the nurturing types and all that, but I did not sign up to become an Agony Aunt to a complete and utter nutter!  Do I have a sign around me saying “dump all your problems on me and hang on, I will make all your decisions because I am just that awesome!”? Or “ask me for advice and then do the complete opposite because I like to waste my time?”

Take Mr Agony… please take him away from me.  I have not actually met this person and probably never will do – thank goodness.  It seems that Mr Agony likes to talk about his problems and ask you for advice.  When you give it, he seems to do the complete opposite and then complains when it has turned pear shaped.  Okay he is new to the dating scene but come on, its not rocket science and for fucks sake, there is a thing called common sense.

Now I have heard all about his ex wife and the strife that they are both under (this was within five minutes of chatting online) and how he was only there for the sake of his kids – yadda yadda yadda and how she cannot work as she has an ingrown toenail or something – yawn.  How they are currently going for custody and how she does not follow what the arrangements are, yet when I say ‘do you record all the times that she breeches the arrangements?’ – he tells me ‘oh do you think I should?’  No of course not, you will remember this in court *face palms*

Now for those who are dating – you know the golden rule – yes you never talk about the other girls that you are talking to, nor the dates that you have booked for the upcoming week.  No girl likes to think that she is just another number at the local supermarket’s deli section.  Yet, for some unknown reason, he likes to get himself into a dither and asks me whether he should be talking to this one or should I continue seeing the other one?  Really!  Do I have Lifeline on my forehead?

And so it began, the sands of the hourglass start to trickle down as the music starts to his soap opera life.  After going out on 10 dates with 10 different women, and having a second date booked already with one of them for a few weeks time, he starts to stress out and gets confused about who he likes and doesn’t like.  Then asks me what he should do… um how the fuck would I know who you should go out with?  You wanted to be the player and it bit back. So of course, I did the simple thing of ‘why don’t you wait until you have the second date with one of them and see what happens from there, but don’t go out on any more dates with other people.’ Makes sense don’t you think?

No.. that would be the sane thing to do.. instead he states ‘until I get some affection, I am still a single man’.  Righto, then why ask me for advice?

So the second date comes around (he in the meantime is asking me out on a date as well which I politely decline but I am caught in this soap opera life of his – it’s better than telly!), they apparently do the wild thing and he panics.  Yes, panics that she is only wanting his body.  Really! Now plenty of men out there would be asking for her number and thinking whoo hooo this is my type of girl, but not this one.. he wants a relationship.

So what does he do?  What every type of nutter does of course.  Goes hell for leather head first into a relationship, saying the next day – should I delete my profile? Um whoa there little doggie – put the saddle back on – it’s only been two dates!  She has not seen your freaky side yet.  So when she starts to say, ‘um I need some space to think etc’, his response is thinking that she only wants sex.  No dude, she is thinking how do I get away from this nutter before the stalking starts!

The last I heard about the soap opera was he had asked her around for a date (oh I forgot, he likes to take his kids out on the date as well! Yep, nothing screams romance like a McDonalds Playground area!) and he was asking me about romantic tips.  Um dude – when a girl likes a boy, they get naked.. sheesh how did you manage to have kids if you don’t know that!

Next!!

 

Freak Number 20 – The Salesman

I admit, I have a list of freaks to write about and already we are up to number 20 and there is still more to go.  Either I am extremely unlucky in love or perhaps I should throw in the hat and become a lesbian or a crazy cat lady.  OK I may already be somewhat of a crazy cat lady.

Freak Number 20 nearly did not appear on my list, it was only after having a chat to someone that I remembered him.  There are so many, its hard to keep track of them all.  They should really be assigned a ear tag highlighting what their flaws are to warn others.

Anyhoo, back to Freak 20 or who I like to call “The Salesman”.  Salesman and I were chatting online (its getting repetitive I know!) and after a week, the obligatory date was arranged.  Anyway we arrange to met at a coffee shop – what can I say, I love coffee!  I arrive early as always and sure enough the Salesman arrives.

We grab a coffee and start chatting about life in general – it was not a bad conversation until it got to what he does for a living.  Yes that conversation – its a bit of a hit and miss at times but this one was a doozey.  Not only did he have numerous jobs as he likes to be self-employed (that was not the issue), but one of the jobs that he has is selling Amway.  Yes you got it.. the date has turned into a sales pitch.  Now I am not sure which one is worse – being brain washed into joining a cult or being bombarded with the benefits of Amway.

For an hour, he went into detail about the products and how Amway is the next best thing since sliced bread.    Apparently all the celebrities are using them etc and how he has been introduced to a number of these so called celebrities.  Yes he was one of those name droppers.  He even asked me if I knew of any celebrities…really.. who freaking cares if you know someone famous! Note: I have met a few in my lifetime but I was not going to mention that or the next thing would be asking for their numbers (now look what he has made me do!).

I must admit it was getting to the stage that every time I heard a famous person, my eyes would do an involuntary roll. It was getting so bad that I thought my eyes may just roll back into my head and all you would see were the whites of my eyes like a possessed demon.  But still it did not stop him, no matter how I tried to get away (pesky salesman they have means of trapping you), he kept on talking about AMFREAKINGWAY.  You would think that it could cure Cancer the way that he was going on about it.  Quick give them the Nobel Peace prize please!

Finally I managed to get away unscathed and without giving him my first born in exchange for any Amway products.  I still shudder when Amway is mentioned or I see any products from them.

Be warned and wary of any salesman that ask you out on a date – you may just be brainwashed into a pyramid selling scheme.  NEXT!!!!

Freak Number 17 – False Advertising

Okay so I am going off on a different tangent on this blog post – but I am hoping that it may get out to the male species about what you should include on your dating profile.  In particular – the pictures.  Yes I know that quite a few guys out there (and possibly girls) hate having their photos taken.  Hard to believe that these people exist in a self obsessed world where there is a constant camera being stuck in your face every five minutes to record the minute detail of your existence.  Suck it up princess, if I have to do it, so do you.

Now there should be rules that apply to posting pictures on dating sites. Not just the ones that need to be verified or must be a certain size etc. No, these relate to the types of pictures that should not be uploaded.

1.     Fishing photos

Now these photos just irked me to tears.  Who am I to date – the dude or the fish?  Am I supposed to think – wow this guy is a hunter/gatherer, finally I won’t ever need to go to the grocery shop ever again as we will live like cavemen.

2. In a group photo

Congratulations – you have friends or perhaps did a rent a crowd for the photo.  Now just which one am I supposed to be dating?  How awkward would that be if you turned up for a date and the girl turns around and says “Oh I was hoping you were the guy in the picture third from the left – is he single?”

3. Photo with another female/s

Goes without saying – unless you are looking for a threesome or possible future members of a cult.  Oh, and if they are the girls from the local strip joint – it does nothing but scream possible wannabee player!

4. Car/Boat/Motorbike

These amuse me as I have seen many profiles who have these souped up cars, bikes etc on display – yet they state that they do not want gold diggers or materialistic bitches.  Hmmm makes sense I think?  And again, is that supposed to clinch the deal? “Well you were a five in the looks department but that picture of your Harley has just raised you to a ten!”  Or “sorry not attracted to you, but I fancy your boat – can I take it out on a date?” *facepalms*

5. 20 year old photos

Yep I get it, we all looked smoking hot when we were in our 20s and we had more hair, less of a belly and had muscle definition.  But unless you have found the elixir of youth (then please share), an updated picture is more appropriate.  Just makes it all so awkward when you meet in person and you have started off by being dishonest.

6. Motivation Photos

Unless you are the Dalai Lama – its a no-no!  I get that you are on this magical journey and have found the meaning of your life but no one wants to see a person who is being self-righteous.

7. Wedding Photos

I get it – they cost an arm and a leg to produce and yes maybe you are trying to say – see I can be the marriage type.  It’s just tacky, especially with the massive ‘x’ splattered across your ex-wife’s face.

8. Bathroom Photos

Now this is just plain gross (and yes ladies take note!) – no one wants to see the bio-hazardous bathroom. If you don’t have a mirror and you need to take a selfie – clean up beforehand.  Yes we can be very judgmental bunch.  Put down the toilet seat and a piece of advice – make sure that the toilet roll is on the right way!

9. Scenery Photos

Now I don’t mind photos of places that you have visited – it shows where you have travelled etc.  However, if these are the only pictures that you have on your profile – what are you trying to hide?  Or did  you download them from the internet?

10. Drunk Photos

Yep I get it, we have all at times had one of those drunken nights or possibly a few.  However posting photos of yourself covered in the remnants of last nights dinner down your shirt or passed out in a stupor, does not do you any favours.  Neither does a 50 year old man posing in front of a beer can tower – obviously screams ‘what a great guy to take home to meet the family’ – NOT!

11. Passport/Licence/Mugshot Pictures

Dude – no one ever looks good in their passport or licence pictures, I think they are designed to make you look like a criminal or hideous creature from outer space.  Surely there must be a better one out there of you.  And Mugshot pics – I kid you not!  Unless you are Charles Manson – its a NO!

12.  Food pictures

I get it – you may think that you are the next Masterchef, but if the only picture of you is a plate of food (and I have seen some plates that have been arranged in a phallic manner  – who are you trying to kid!), then be prepared to be cooking for the rest of your life (maybe for one!)

There is probably plenty more that I could include but the point that I want to get across is – just be yourself.  Take a honest picture of yourself, particularly with a lovely smile and you would be amazed at how many ladies you will attract.  It does not matter what you look like – it’s the connection that you have with someone.  The feeling in your gut when you look at a picture of a guy and read his profile and think he sounds like a genuine guy that perhaps I would like to met.

My rant is over…..

Freak Number 16 – Mr Blowhard

Okay I admit it, I can be a bit of a smart arse.  I cannot help it, it is in my genetics.  When you come across someone that just says the wrong things, I cannot be held responsible for the automatic reaction that comes out of my mouth.  Some say that it might be a reason why I am still single – I hope that isn’t the case.

Now Mr Blowhard and I met in my younger dating years, yes, hard to believe that I have been on this dating game for ages.  I think I may have a Masters degree in dating – just call me Dr Belle.  Anyway I digress.

I had met Mr Blowhard in person at a pub – I know how strange but I don’t think that internet dating was invented when I met him.  Now this pub was my regular place to hang out with my friends – so it was obvious that the staff including the bouncers knew me.  So one night, I was there with a group of friends, just enjoying ourselves, talking crap and having a great time.  Until Mr Blowhard decided to join in our group.  Now Blowie as I like to call him now – was a wee bit intoxicated and one of those pesky leeches that could not get the hint that no one was interested in him.  Blowie started hitting on every girl in the pub in hopes that someone was so pissed that they had their beer goggles on and he would get lucky.  As if dude!

Anyway, Blowie decides that he is not getting anywhere with the girls in the pub so he starts trying to bribe his way into a group.  You know – shouting drinks, generally trying to talk to anyone who would give him the time of day, offering $100 for a blow job.  Yes, you read that right.

So what is a girl to do – be $100 richer of course.  After all, it’s easy money.  So I tell Blowie – “sure thing, I will give you a blow job for $100!”  Well did his eyes pop out.. does this mean that all his dreams are finally  coming true that for once his ploy of offering money for a blow job is all that he needed to get with the laaaadiesss….  I however did have some rules for this act that he needed to agree to or it would not take place.

·         Rule Number 1:  It had to be done here in this pub at this table

·         Rule Number 2:  Money had to be paid upfront before the act could take place

·         Rule Number 3: Money is to be handed to a friend of mine to look after (okay I must admit my friends were looking at me thinking WTF are you doing?)

·         Rule Number 4: There would be no refunds if he did not think that the act was up to standard

Sure enough, Blowie agreed and paid the money to a friend of mine.  Now I know what you are thinking.. this must be a wind up – you must have something planned for Blowie.  Patience, grasshopper.

I tell Blowie that I just need to nip off to the toilet to freshen up, you know put a bit of lipstick on, just to leave that lasting effect.  As l leave the table and make my way to the toilet, I come across a good friend of mine who just happens to be a bouncer.  Ahhh this is how my plan starts to come to fruition.  I let my mate know what I am about to do… the plot thickens.

So I get back to the table, Blowie is grinning from ear to ear.  I tell Blowie to drop his pants here at the table – now he is thinking that i am some sort of wild girl.. How little does he know?  Out pops Blowie’s little fella – it was little!… Now how do you blow?  Like you blowing on hot soup to cool it down obviously… I put my lips together and blew on it (not even touching it) – there you go Blowie one blow job!.  Just as I finished, my bouncer mate grabbed  Blowie’s shoulder, pulling him away from me.  Next thing, Blowie is being escorted out of the pub with about 3 big bouncers, ranting and raving about how he was ripped off.  My mate turns around and said “well you got blown all right!, lucky I am not calling the police to get you arrested for indecent exposure”

Thanks Blowie for the $100!

Freak Number 14 – Scammer

Ahh the infamous scam artist- we have all come across these when we have turned our hand to online dating.  After a while, it is pretty obvious to spot them a mile away and okay I admit it, I may or may not have a bit of fun when I come across them.  Maybe I am too cynical but when you get the first message declaring their undying love to you, you have to ask yourself – is this dude for real?

You are probably asking – how can you spot them?  Are they wearing a neon sign around their neck?  And if you can spot a scammer from a mile away, how can you not spot a freak until they are in your face?  One question at a time little grasshopper!

The only way that I have spotted a scammer is; well besides the normal broken english sort of conversation (but then again, that can also relate to the normal dudes as well) – normally they write long winded messages with a dash of religion thrown in there or they use the same photos that you have seen for years on the sites.  They could be from another country but say that they are visiting your country on a regular basis or the profile does not match the photo.  Silly people, have they not heard about google image search – you know when you copy the photo and paste it into google and do a search? Amazing what you find out.  Does that make me sound like a stalker?  No, I don’t do it all the time but just the ones that sound a bit suss.

The funniest one that I came across was a dude that was in the Army.  He was an American soldier based in Iraq and lost his wife a few years back.  Now I know what you are thinking, this could be legitimate.  Wait for it.  Anyway, Billy Bob as I like to call him, was from a small town in theUS of A, which I was familiar with.  Now after a bit of a chat with him, there was something that was not quite right about what he was saying, particularly around well known places or things that an American would or should know.  I thought here we go, we have a scammer.  After doing a bit of a google search, I found out a bit about this guy.  He also lives in Germany and goes under a different name – shocking, I know.  So I was waiting for the next step in the game – you know when they start to give you the sob story about how they have just been in an accident and their medical insurance is being delayed for whatever reason or they have a friend of theirs that is going to send a package over to you and they need your address and could you please pay for the tax – don’t worry you will get your money back?  Hmmm.

 Now you are thinking – what did you do?  I contacted the dude from the Germany profile (I’ll call him Schultz) – its amazing how he did not recognise me.  After a couple of chats with Schultz – I dropped the “you look really familiar – do I know you?”.  Funnily enough, Schultz had no recollection.  “Are you sure you didn’t live in some town in the States?” I asked Schultz referring to the same town as Billy Bob.  Funnily enough, Schultz never lived there.  Hmmm I know – this is shocking.  In the meantime, Billy Bob is telling me that he is coming to my country and asking me whether I could accept a package from him that he is sending over as he will have excess baggage on the plane.  Sure of course I gave him my address – I mean what else am I to do?  I advised him that it would be better to send it to my work address as I spend most of my time there.  Unfortunately the address I gave was the local police station.  Oops my bad – I get easily confused.

Funnily enough, he deleted me after giving out that address.  Oh Billy Bob… I thought we were onto something great there.

 

Freak Number 13 – Confused Dude

You know how guys go on about how they don’t understand the female species and that dating some girls can be similar to walking in a minefield.  One minute you think its all going along swimmingly, the next the ground has exploded and you are ducking for cover.  Keep that in mind as I tell this story!

I started chatting to Confused Dude online (of course, where else would it be?) and he was quite a conversationalist.  Okay mostly it was about himself but hey, at least he can talk and not grunt out one word sentences.  Things were starting to look up and it was evident that a date was to be arranged and hold yourself back – it was a dinner date.  Whoo hoo.. I even told my friends about this so called date and one even gave the doomed statement “I have a good feeling about this one”.  You know if you get that blessing, you need to run for the hills as soon as possible as the date is now jinxed.

Anyhoo – the date actually was not too bad, we had a few giggles, great conversation etc and I finally thought “yay after all this time of going through the dredges of men, I may have found a decent one”. (Note to self: if in future you feel like that – slap yourself around the head!)

The date continued at his place where we had a bit of a kiss and fumble but that is about all. After all, I am a lady (stop sniggering!).  The next day, I had a smile on my face, walking around like I was on cloud nine etc.. you know the usual thing that you feel that maybe this is the someone that you want to see where this goes.  Now I am not the sort of girl who thinks that this sort of date means that I can start arranging the wedding, but I would have liked to see where this would have gone.

Anyway, I get a phone call the following night after the date – which went along the lines of “I really had fun last night with you but…”.  Wow you know that word should be banned from every language.  He goes on to say “…. it went a bit too fast last night and I just want to take my time in getting to know you…”  HUH?  Now I know what you are thinking – when was it fast?  When are you allowed to kiss when you are dating?  Does the first date consist of a waving your hands, second date – shaking hands etc… just at what stage is kissing someone going too fast?

So the rose coloured glasses fell down from my eyes and I thought “ok if he wants to go slow, we will go slow and get to know each other”. We will go back to chatting and get to know each other that way.  Confused – yep, that was me!

Now one would think that if one person has said that he wants to get to know you, then he would start to ask questions about you – find out what makes you tick etc.  WRONG!  The conversations that we had again went back to being about himself.  I started to wonder “is this guy for real or is so egotistic that he cannot see beyond his nose?”.  Now I wasn’t rude to him nor did say at anytime that I was not interested, I just gave him what he wanted – time to get to know me, after all that is what he had said.

Forward to 3 days after the first date, he does a complete 180 degree turnaround and starts talking as if we are in a relationship – you know the whole smut chat.  WTF?  I thought if this is going slow, then I need to write to Webster’s Dictionary to get them to change the meaning.  I had no idea what was happening, one minute he was this person who wanted to go slow, the next he was the one that was full on.  It was like being with a person with two different personalities – you had no idea what mood he was going to be in.

Then he turns around and says to me “You sound like you are not interested in me”.  Um where did that come from?  Was it from one of the numerous conversations that we spoke about when you were getting to know me (sorry I could not resist!).  How would you know if you were only wrapped up in yourself to even notice that I was around?  Needless to say – I was polite and just said “of course not, we are, after all, just getting to know each other”.

So it all came to a head when one day after receiving a text from him saying “I have to tell you this as I want to be honest with you – I just went out on a date with another woman and we have hit it off.  I think she may be the one for me”.  WTF???  Only that morning you were texting me saying how much you want to get to know me and we should catch up soon etc.  And what a low act that was to go out on a date with someone else and then break up with someone by text (ok we were not in a relationship nor exclusive but I deserved a bit better than that).

Hmmm and they say women are hard to understand….

Freak Number 12 – Paint Stripper Man

Okay I have one pet peeve with dating men – it is the one thing (okay one of the many things) on the list of things that turn me off a person – one of them is lack of personal hygiene.  I am not sure about you but I am amazed how many guys out there have some sort of aversion to the use of soap and toothpaste.  I mean even animals bathe themselves, I don’t understand why some men fail to include that as part of their daily routine.  Is it that they think that women will be irresistible to the natural manly pheromones of stale sweat, decaying teeth and toe jam?  Hmmm pass!

I started chatting online with Paint Stripper Man and for some unknown reason within a couple of hours, I gave him my mobile number.  We talked for ages and well into the night.  Finally a guy that could talk and not just the normal grunts and beating of chest type of chatting that I have found in some of the male species.  After trying to arrange for a time to met – our schedules just seem to clash as he worked nights and I worked days – so it was hard to coordinate a date but one night I decided to bite the bullet and go to his work and drop off some food.  He apparently was complaining that his dinner consisted of stale crackers and a can of tuna that I thought this might be the opportunity to not only impress him with my cooking but to meet.

It took me about 40 minutes to get to his work and thank goodness, he was on his own there or that would just be a bit awkward.  I walked in and sure enough there he was – matched his photo – tick; answered to his name – tick; no wedding ring – tick.  Then it happened – he opened his mouth to say ‘Hello’.  OMG the stench that emanating from his mouth was enough to strip the paint off the walls.  Whoa – please do not use any words that start with ‘H’ or I would be dead on the floor.  Even the thought of kissing him with that mouth was enough to put me off – who wants to put their mouth on that one knowing that your nose is only centimetres away…ewwww.

Now I know what you are thinking – I am being a bit shallow there and this could easily be fixed with a good dentist and toothpaste.  That is not the only thing that put me off Mr Paint Stripper Man.  No, it was as soon as I got into my car and drove away that my phone kept ringing and/or receiving text messages.  Dude – I cannot answer your 30 text messages whilst I am driving, unless you want to pay for my fine.

Finally when I get home, I returned his numerous missed calls to which he wanted to know why I didn’t answer my phone.  WOW.. calm down.  Nothing really gets a girl turned off then a spot of possessiveness.  Well maybe it’s just me.

And so it began – the text messages sent by him to me throughout the night to which I did not respond to, even got to the point of turning my phone on silent.   Surprise surprise! I had 20 text messages waiting for me in the morning, ranging from how sweet I was to bring food to him at work to the ones that started to call me a bitch and why am I not talking to him. Dude it’s called sleeping!

I could not get rid of this guy even to the point of blocking his number and ignoring him hoping that he gets the message.  I didn’t even want to acknowledge him in case he started with the whole stalking exercise – thank goodness he did not know where I lived.  Finally after a month he got the message and I never heard from him again.

Phew.. lucky escape!