I was watching some British Documentary last night – you know the weird and freaky ones that are normally shown late at night on some dodgy telly channel and talk about the weird fetishes people have (like using sandpaper on body parts!). It must be an English thing is all I can say! Anyway, last night’s show was about webcam people and how there is people out there that like to watch people spill food on them (technical term is Sploshing!). Hell if I knew you could make money out of spilling food down your top, I would have been a billionaire with the amount of food that ends up on my clothes. The amount of chicken legs I find in my cleavage at the end of the day is astounding (given the fact that I haven’t eaten chicken legs in ages is also astounding) as well as I am sure that there is a small village of pygmies taking residence there as well. What can I say – I am a full busted girl, I have given up any chance of wearing white (um….) knowing that it is just a recipe for disaster. Don’t get me started on tomato sauce or any other sauces – I will just live on air to preserve my clothes.
Anyway that is not what this story is about – it’s about the dudes who like to Skype. Yes, Skype – for the Peeping Toms who cannot be bothered going outside anymore, for the dudes who flash more times than a woman going through menopause and of course, the exhibitionists who just like to put on those shows. Gone are the days of the garden beds being trampled on – no, these people have decided that their bits have frozen too much, and have become lazy. Yes lazy! Who needs to sit outside in the cold, when you can stay inside and let your fingers do the walking online.
I came across one of these freaks while being online one night. Okay I was bored and was waiting for my toe nail polish to dry, when a freak asked me whether he could Skype me. Why not, I wasn’t going anywhere, I had just painted my toe nails. Although I did say that my webcam was not working. Okay I covered the camera – well I was in my pjs with a face mask on as well – it was my treatment night! Anyway, the dude was there in all his naked glory (yep, what a surprise there and not even a Chippendale!). The amusing thing as he was jerking himself off, was the fact that he did not even bother about cleaning up his place. Yes, in the background was piles of dirty clothes, decaying food and rubbish strewnaround the place for all to see. Seriously dudes, learn to clean! I don’t think he was impressed with the comments of “do you know what an ironing board is?”, “hmm, do you think that you should do your dishes before talking to me?” and “just what day is rubbish day?”. What is a girl to say while someone is jerking off in front of you – “yes congratulations, you have knocked one out of the park? Jolly good show old chap” or the one I like “I don’t think that you would win an Oscar for that performance. Where is the storyline? There is no pizzazz, no charisma in that performance – I wasn’t connected to the character that you were trying to portray”.
Needless to say, after 30 seconds of the “performance”, my internet started to play up. Hmm could it have been the finger on the disconnect button that I was pressing.
NEXT!
Freaks need not apply 